Well, I thought it was funny

So, as most of you know I do not have a home PC at this time...I borrow my mom's laptop on the weekends to do some internetting... so I get a call from her on Thursday asking if I want to pick it up a day early - "Sure" - and I was on my way. Now, at this time my mom lives with her father and his 'girlfriend' of 30+ years acting as a caregiver/companion as they are both declining in health. Well Jane, the girlfriend, asks me, "So, what are you borrowing the computer for?" And with a serious look and tone to my voice, I reply, "Porn." The look on her face was priceless...her response was "Your grandma would roll over if she heard you say that." At that very moment, I thought to myself "No, she wouldn't. She can't roll, she was cremated." But out loud I said, "No, if she were alive she'd be laughing cause she would know I wasn't serious." Anyone who knows me should know how I feel about porn - and if not, I've got a funny ex-husband story to tell off-blog... (well, I think it's funny...) Jane figured out that I wasn't being serious and we all went on about our evening. When mom walked me out, I commented that "I thought the porn response was funny." Her response, "So did I."

24: Redemption

[insert the ‘24’ clock chirps here]

The following takes place between 8 p.m. and 10 p.m.
Sunday, November 23

Jack Bauer is back...awwww yeah!!

(image taken from imdb.com, I think)

The Small Things

Praises for a moment I wasn't sure I'd experience again...

My Molly Belle hasn't purred - not once - since dude left five plus years ago and while it only lasted about 30-45 seconds, my sweet girl purred while being loved on. At first I thought I was imagining it, but I put my fingertips on her throat and felt the vibrations. My heart sang and I was overcome with pure joy...I couldn't believe it, my little girl actually purred. YAY! :)

Losing God...Matt's second book

(Same note as before: I am not a book critic and that is not the purpose of this post)

Matt Rogers made me cry. Okay, so he didn’t make me cry, but his words certainly did. Before I jump into the deep end, I first have to comment that I admire Matt for sharing such personal pain while on his journey with depression. Remembering the ‘Campbell Matt’ that I knew, I thought him to be a ‘completely together’, extremely nice, polite and all-around great guy…not to mention a strong Christian guy – the ideal husband for a lucky gal. I never would have associated ‘depression’ with Matt.

Realizing this is not a newsflash, I have endured my own journey with depression. With a bipolar father and a clinically depressed mother, I guess it was only natural that I would find myself ‘friends’ with depression. As a teenager, I sometimes thought suicide would be a way to ‘end the pain’, but I knew God had greater plans for me. I could never have done it – obviously if I’m still here… Heck! I tear up from the intense stung felt after nicking my leg shaving – let alone the pain of purposely digging into my flesh. Pain tolerance for me is like zero! Besides once you are dead – that’s it…and while I’ve had some lows I know at some point it has to get better – and I want to be around to see it!

Being told at age 10 (and again at 28) by your father, that you were never wanted in the first place and then three years later to have your mother run off with some loser and dump you on your grandmother’s front porch creates the perfect breeding ground for depression. Low self-esteem, worthlessness, self-doubt, and fear of abandonment were some of the presents I received…oh yeah, and a 17 year battle with anorexia!! (Praises that’s behind me now.) When receiving the same messages from a variety of sources…well, it could be a bit much to handle. But help was available. I saw my first counselor my freshman year of college. I’ve done counseling on/off since then and am currently on my fifth.

I never wanted to be one who succumbed to drugs for help. I had never heard anything good about anti-depressants, but in February 2007 I found myself eating those words. I saw my PCP for a physical and while there the words just came out: “I joke all the time that I should be on an anti-depressant, but no really – I think I should be on an anti-depressant.” We talked for a bit – my main question being “What’s the shortest amount of time to be on one?” – “Eight months” – I told her I wanted to be off in…eight months. I left her office with a script for Effexor XR (ironically made by Wyeth)…I spent more time titrating on and off the drug than actually being on it. The dose increases in 37.5 mg – me topping off at 150 mg. I had found myself in a position of crying ALL THE TIME! It was really…well, depressing. And of course if I wasn’t crying, I was sleeping. It was ‘great’! With the medication, I could function and was completely numb to emotion. I didn’t even cry during the home reveals on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition! (And those are always emotional.) While the 150 mg made me ‘normal’ it also made me gain 30 lbs, which was depressing in itself, but I took my last capsule on October 31, 2007.

Now with popping that first capsule, I made my first appointment with my therapist – every other week. With being off the med now, I still see her – but it’s every three weeks. About a month (or so) ago, she had commented on my progress and how I was not the same person she met (YAY ME!) I still have a long way to go on resolving past issues and letting go of some of the luggage I’ve been carrying. Oh to conquer…

But…

“I wanted my life back. I wanted my friends to see me healed, walking in the light for which they had spent so much time in prayer.”

-pg. 61

I didn’t even make it to the end of the paragraph before feeling the warm saline sliding its way down my cheeks. I sat there thinking, “I desperately want that, too!” I am blessed for the friends who accept me ‘as is’ and have been there – supporting, encouraging, listening and praying for me. I cannot even begin to thank them enough. And while I struggle some still, I have the confidence that I’ll come through this completely changed and better for it.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

-Jeremiah 29:11

This verse was given to me by Justin Fender freshman year of college and I claimed it as my life verse. At 18, I had experienced a fair share of craziness that would make for a great Lifetime movie…but somewhere I think I forgot this promise. I reached a point that I felt like if I matter not to people then I must not matter to God. I’m sure I made Him sad that day. I made a handful of decisions using poor judgment – but in a way, I’m glad I did that stuff in my 20’s when mistakes are expected; however, I’ve been fixing them in my 30’s. I’m currently working my way through Beth Moore’s Stepping Up Bible study and I’m being reminded of God’s love for me and I confess that while I know it in my head, I’m still working to KNOW it in my heart. I’m learning to have faith in not only myself but my God – whatever His plans for me may be…

“I was broken now, and my weakness made me understanding of others’ failings. Was a lifetime of depression a price worth paying to remain humble before God? I didn’t want to answer “yes” for fear I was signing up for such a life, but in my heart I had already agreed…Yes, I would choose depression if it kept me humble.”

-pg.99

Oh how I long for the day where I no longer struggle with the tugs and pulls of depression and KNOW in my heart that I do matter (and matter to God) – after all, I mattered enough for Him to create me…and I cannot thank Him enough for not giving up on me the times I felt like giving up…I am a work in progress. But if this is meant to be a lifelong struggle - and is part of God's plan for me, then so be it. (Praises for great counselors.)

Please know I realize that I’m not the only person who has ever walked alongside depression, but again I appreciate Matt for taking pen to paper and sharing the realness that depression is and his journey through it. The read alone is worth the purchase of his book…whether you’ve been there, are there or haven’t been there.

From Start To Finish

Where it all started: Strickland Hall

I recall my freshman year, the iron gates, which were locked at midnight and the simplex codes needed for entry...if I remember correctly, the gates came down the following year, but hey, I lived on men's campus in Sauls sophomore and part of my junior year - and there weren't any iron gates...there are 7 rooms in each suite...I lived in two of those seven of my particular suite...it was nice to be reminded by Amy that the walls were so thin that when she, Niki or I would sneeze one of us would say a "Bless you" though the wall or when it was time for dinner, to just call out through the wall..."Ready for dinner?" :)

Being a graphic design/studio art major, I walked down this hallway multiple times pretty much everyday - I even have a perspective pencil drawing of this hallway - packed away, mind you...Oh, and while I don't have pictures of it (the room was locked) when I left CU the arts had one - ONE Mac for a computer lab...now, the computer lab where The Campbell Times was birthed each week, has been gutted, extended and is now a massive graphic design computer lab, with sweet looking Apples.

Where it all ended: Jones Hall

My last semester was spent here in Jones. December 1999 came rather quickly, but not quick at all. The bonus about living in Jones is that it was pretty much halfway between the fine arts building and Marshbanks...that last semester kind of went in a blur...and even when looking back, to change anything...I just wish I had spent more time outside of my dorm room than actually in it.

The Buies Creek I Remember

Being at Campbell, I have to admit, was bittersweet. While it seemed as though I had just left yesterday, I just couldn't believe it had been almost ten years since I had to stop calling Campbell my home. Walking around viewing what had changed and what had stayed the same, I saw the 'ghosts of Campbell past'...and being that it was Homecoming weekend, I ran into some 'old' friends...I don't know why it didn't even cross my mind that with it being Homecoming I would run into friends...
*********************************
Ah, the fountain...the 'real' fountain...I'm standing where the old sidewalk ended and the new sidewalk started...
The stone gazebo...I ran into Dr. Jonas in the new convo center and he shared that with the law school moving to Raleigh (seriously?!) that with the move the 'old' school is to be gutted and made into the new library...upon learning of this, I have a funny feeling that with renovation, does the gazebo run the risk of being gutted, too? Guess we'll find out soon enough, but I wanted to capture it just the same.

The view along the sidewalk from the Post Office to Marshbanks hasn't changed...
And the squirrels who run around in the space above and all around the library - yep, they still run around...I think everyone who has attended CU has at least one squirrel story. :)

Though the road may be gone, the view from Taylor Bott Rogers hasn't changed much...the cluster of trees still stand.

And yes, I went inside TBR, and they have the same couches and chairs from before...countless conversations had in those seats...

Buies Creek has certainly changed

When I left Campbell in 1999, the road between Taylor Bott Rogers and the girls dorms had long been closed off...when I visited Campbell in January 2005, I honestly do not remember the fountain having been constructed...I say this cause I was shocked to see it... Where now there is grass and brick - yo, this used to be a road...ha...the road where my Ford Festiva died...

This here is where the Marshbanks parking lot used to be...more brick, I see...this is the scene of the crime where Larry Johnson, Mark McCracken and maybe even Jeff Morris (don't recall with 100% accuracy) attempted to lift my Ford Festiva off the ground...

This is inside the new convocation center...Go Camels...it's so much nicer than Carter Gym, but I think that was the point...

Again, more brick...where the parking lot for Carter Gym and the student center used to be...I wonder how much money Campbell has spent on bricks in its history (minus the fire of 1890-whatever)

What happened to the outer stairwells and the 'iron window' of D. Rich - and can someone please tell me why this change was necessary? Not to mention, how did 'outside' become inside?

This here makes me sad...would the real Campbell University welcome sign, please stand up...stupid class of 2001...I was all jazzed to get a picture of the three foot or so tall sign and disappointed to come across this...
But even worse...this broke my heart...my shadow in the place where the lone tree stood in a brick well between D.Rich and Taylor...a great place to meet a friend after CEP before heading to Marshbanks for lunch...gone and no surprise....bricked over... :(

Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds :) (the free show)

"Thank you for spending your hard earned nothing

and coming out here tonight."

- Dave Matthews

(Tim Reynolds is on YOUR left while Dave is on YOUR right)

Don't Drink The Water

Satellite

Eh Hee
Cornbread
Either Gravedigger or So Damn Lucky
Crash
Setlist: Don't Drink the Water ~ Proudest Monkey ~ Satellite ~ Eh Hee ~ Old Dirt Hill ~ Crush ~ Stay Or Leave ~ Stream* ~ The Stone ~ Oh ~ Cornbread ~ The Maker ~ Where Are You Going ~ Two Step ~ You Are My Sanity* ~ Sister ~ Dreaming Tree ~ Gravedigger ~ So Damn Lucky ~ Crash ~ Dancing Nancies

Encore: Ants Marching ~ All Along The Watchtower
* denotes Tim Reynolds solos

***************

This was my first acoustic show and I knew going in from the two live acoustic CD's I own that it would be more intimate than when it is all five guys...Dave is a funny guy and it was nice to hear him speak about...well, a variety of here's and there's...not to mention his support for our now President-Elect Barack Obama. The songs listed in italics in the setlist, I actually have on video. I had thought about posting one here, but they are a bit shaky....what can I say - though I was smart enough to not sing along out loud, I couldn't sit still...a girl still has to be able to jam out to her favorite guy. :) But then again, it is all about the music, right...