Losing God...Matt's second book

(Same note as before: I am not a book critic and that is not the purpose of this post)

Matt Rogers made me cry. Okay, so he didn’t make me cry, but his words certainly did. Before I jump into the deep end, I first have to comment that I admire Matt for sharing such personal pain while on his journey with depression. Remembering the ‘Campbell Matt’ that I knew, I thought him to be a ‘completely together’, extremely nice, polite and all-around great guy…not to mention a strong Christian guy – the ideal husband for a lucky gal. I never would have associated ‘depression’ with Matt.

Realizing this is not a newsflash, I have endured my own journey with depression. With a bipolar father and a clinically depressed mother, I guess it was only natural that I would find myself ‘friends’ with depression. As a teenager, I sometimes thought suicide would be a way to ‘end the pain’, but I knew God had greater plans for me. I could never have done it – obviously if I’m still here… Heck! I tear up from the intense stung felt after nicking my leg shaving – let alone the pain of purposely digging into my flesh. Pain tolerance for me is like zero! Besides once you are dead – that’s it…and while I’ve had some lows I know at some point it has to get better – and I want to be around to see it!

Being told at age 10 (and again at 28) by your father, that you were never wanted in the first place and then three years later to have your mother run off with some loser and dump you on your grandmother’s front porch creates the perfect breeding ground for depression. Low self-esteem, worthlessness, self-doubt, and fear of abandonment were some of the presents I received…oh yeah, and a 17 year battle with anorexia!! (Praises that’s behind me now.) When receiving the same messages from a variety of sources…well, it could be a bit much to handle. But help was available. I saw my first counselor my freshman year of college. I’ve done counseling on/off since then and am currently on my fifth.

I never wanted to be one who succumbed to drugs for help. I had never heard anything good about anti-depressants, but in February 2007 I found myself eating those words. I saw my PCP for a physical and while there the words just came out: “I joke all the time that I should be on an anti-depressant, but no really – I think I should be on an anti-depressant.” We talked for a bit – my main question being “What’s the shortest amount of time to be on one?” – “Eight months” – I told her I wanted to be off in…eight months. I left her office with a script for Effexor XR (ironically made by Wyeth)…I spent more time titrating on and off the drug than actually being on it. The dose increases in 37.5 mg – me topping off at 150 mg. I had found myself in a position of crying ALL THE TIME! It was really…well, depressing. And of course if I wasn’t crying, I was sleeping. It was ‘great’! With the medication, I could function and was completely numb to emotion. I didn’t even cry during the home reveals on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition! (And those are always emotional.) While the 150 mg made me ‘normal’ it also made me gain 30 lbs, which was depressing in itself, but I took my last capsule on October 31, 2007.

Now with popping that first capsule, I made my first appointment with my therapist – every other week. With being off the med now, I still see her – but it’s every three weeks. About a month (or so) ago, she had commented on my progress and how I was not the same person she met (YAY ME!) I still have a long way to go on resolving past issues and letting go of some of the luggage I’ve been carrying. Oh to conquer…

But…

“I wanted my life back. I wanted my friends to see me healed, walking in the light for which they had spent so much time in prayer.”

-pg. 61

I didn’t even make it to the end of the paragraph before feeling the warm saline sliding its way down my cheeks. I sat there thinking, “I desperately want that, too!” I am blessed for the friends who accept me ‘as is’ and have been there – supporting, encouraging, listening and praying for me. I cannot even begin to thank them enough. And while I struggle some still, I have the confidence that I’ll come through this completely changed and better for it.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

-Jeremiah 29:11

This verse was given to me by Justin Fender freshman year of college and I claimed it as my life verse. At 18, I had experienced a fair share of craziness that would make for a great Lifetime movie…but somewhere I think I forgot this promise. I reached a point that I felt like if I matter not to people then I must not matter to God. I’m sure I made Him sad that day. I made a handful of decisions using poor judgment – but in a way, I’m glad I did that stuff in my 20’s when mistakes are expected; however, I’ve been fixing them in my 30’s. I’m currently working my way through Beth Moore’s Stepping Up Bible study and I’m being reminded of God’s love for me and I confess that while I know it in my head, I’m still working to KNOW it in my heart. I’m learning to have faith in not only myself but my God – whatever His plans for me may be…

“I was broken now, and my weakness made me understanding of others’ failings. Was a lifetime of depression a price worth paying to remain humble before God? I didn’t want to answer “yes” for fear I was signing up for such a life, but in my heart I had already agreed…Yes, I would choose depression if it kept me humble.”

-pg.99

Oh how I long for the day where I no longer struggle with the tugs and pulls of depression and KNOW in my heart that I do matter (and matter to God) – after all, I mattered enough for Him to create me…and I cannot thank Him enough for not giving up on me the times I felt like giving up…I am a work in progress. But if this is meant to be a lifelong struggle - and is part of God's plan for me, then so be it. (Praises for great counselors.)

Please know I realize that I’m not the only person who has ever walked alongside depression, but again I appreciate Matt for taking pen to paper and sharing the realness that depression is and his journey through it. The read alone is worth the purchase of his book…whether you’ve been there, are there or haven’t been there.